2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
