i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
