It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
