Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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