Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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