you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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