Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
