i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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