im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
