now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
