Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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