Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
