sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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