I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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