I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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