Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
