I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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