I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just want to make out with him forever
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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