awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
