Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
