So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
