she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
