Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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