Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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