Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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