You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
