In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
