I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
