these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
