shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
