The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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