i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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