either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
he just fucked me for my cheese..
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
