What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
