I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
