I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
