Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
