The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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