Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize