Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
