Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
