I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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