I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
