why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
