i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
