i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize