I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
