Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
