i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize