dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
