he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
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