I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
