i'm lost and i look like a hooker
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
