I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
