this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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