sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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