honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
