If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
