that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
