bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
