She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You pole danced in your parka.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Two words: nipple clamps
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