dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
