you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
