we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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