How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
