I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
